Struggle between Fear and Hope

I am scared.

I am scared about a lot of things. Things that I am scared to admit. But now, let's try to do the things we are scared about.

I am scared of the person I might become that I consciously or subconsciously decided not to be. I don't know who I will be, but who I will not be.

I am scared about being stuck in the comfortable zone. It is a slippery slope, it is not the end of the world, sure. But it takes time and is difficult to get out of it some days. I hope I am able to.

I am scared of not being curious one day, and just let things pass. I hope I stay creatively curious, turning ideas into life. I hope I am able to stand up for the right thing to do morally.

I am scared of not being able to put things into action. Be it learning or implementing. I am scared to get sucked into the instant gratification by consuming content I should not. I am scared to give in to the temporary satisfaction or feelings.

I am scared to get addicted to the dopamine hits by taking the greedy route in every situation.

Because I think I already am but I hope the neurotransmitters in my brain learn to control it. I want to read more books, I want to understand concepts deeply, and I want to learn more about the things I am passionate about. And I hope I am able to give in more time. I hope I put my time and energy into the things I want to learn.

I am scared of running out of time and energy. I hope I keep reminding myself that there's enough time. And as for energy — I hope I do not adjust to the energy in the room, but influence and make a mark.

I am scared of the regret — of not making the first move, not approaching people, not complimenting people, not putting my foot forward when the time is right. This regret starts adding a void temporarily, starts eating you up. Until you learn to live with it. I hope I am not scared of failing. I want to fail. Regret is more painful than failure.

I am scared about losing touch with my family. I am scared about my parents and the time I have left with them. I am scared whether I will be able handle such things with strength. I hope I am able to.

I am scared about not adding value — in people's lives, in my life. (Side realization: It's ironic how most people are worried about if they will be able to speak or fumble while speaking and less worried about the content and if they will be able to add value while speaking.)

I am scared of not being healthy. I am scared to not break sweat everyday. I am scared to not eat healthy, not have nutrients.

I am scared of old age, a lot. I hope I die young, I hope I die healthy.

I am scared to not care about the people who care about me. I am scared if I hurt someone and I am not able to identify it. I hope I am able to make things right. I hope I get another chance, because there are times when we do not.

I am scared to feel lonely. Loneliness is the price one has to pay for freedom. I feel it is approaching towards me soon. I hope I am able to handle it.

I hope I make the ideal decisions. And even if not, I hope I have the energy and the will to live with it.

I hope I get up and dust myself up. And still be able to live with myself.

I hope I find meaning and content in the smallest of things.

I hope I live a fulfilled life, if not a happy one. I hope I don't lose hope, even if I lose everything.

I hope am brave and vulnerable at the same time, like this one as I write about this struggle.